my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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