After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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