Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
