Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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