When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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