My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
