Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
