Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
