You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
