I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
the liver wants what the liver wants
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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