The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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