How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
