A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
