im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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