I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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