It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
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Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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