You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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