i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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