erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
