Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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