im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
