I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
