So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
