i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
