Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
