If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
