You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
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Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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