How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
