How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
