Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
