you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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