Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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