We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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