he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
