you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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