my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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