Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
