12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
