Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
