like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
