I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
