haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
