I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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