I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
