Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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