Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
