It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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