if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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