I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
