Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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