im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Michael Bay diarrhea
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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