Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
