How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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