see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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