it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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