she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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