you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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