Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
