i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
