so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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